interview day. university in california.
it began with a pleasant breakfast with the chair of the department.
an hour later, another professor.
then shuttled to meet with students, who i love.
everyone i meet very polite. i am on show. they are on show.
at 11AM the day begins to speed downhill. and fast.
a meeting with senior professors. one question i am unable to answer. another. and then another.
i try to speak about issues about which i am only peripherally knowledgeable.
half hour later, i am defeated. jarred at my lack of preparation. feeling like more of an idiot than i've felt in a very long time.
lunch with more professors reveals tensions in the department.
i feel caught in the cross fire.
still jarred from my interview, feeling overwhelmed by what i am learning about departmental politics, i am taken to a room to prepare for my talk.
during the half hour prep before my talk, my friend, the women's studies professor, peeks her head into the room to ask how i am doing.
i have been averaging four hours of sleep a night. i am stressed. i am unsettled. utterly overwhelmed.
it is 12:40, twenty minutes before my job talk.
her face, kind and expectant.
i start to CRY.
but i can't indulge my tears. i have SEVEN more hours of interviews and meetings.
i grab napkins to clean my running mascara and do my best to pull it together.
my talk goes relatively well, but i don't feel that it matters.
questions.
more meetings.
a ride back to my hotel and a beer with a professor.
dinner with two more professors.
8PM and i thank the last two professors for accompanying me to dinner. taking the hint, they ask for the check.
i ride up the elevator to my hotel room, strip off the suit, and fall onto the bed.
exhausted, disappointed.
that was my one shot. and i tanked.
@>-->>---
6 comments:
I could feel myself getting nervous as I read this post and then I remembered, wait a second, she has to give the talk- not me!
BTW, There is no way any of the other candidates could have had a flawless interview under conditions like that... so maybe you weren't as bad as you think.
as you know, I'm quite the pessimist, but not even I would be able to pull off a statement like: "that was my one shot. and I tanked."
Really? you're never going to get another shot... ever?
No way, Jenn. They tanked. As recruiters, it's their JOB to build you up, to ease you into the talk. They should have been talking about YOUR work, YOUR teaching-- they have the rest of the year to drown in internecine fights, but they only have one day to make a good impression on you. If they couldn't pull their head out of their asses for one afternoon, then it's unlikely that they could do it for any candidate. And what is the likelyhood that they feel like a good match to any of their candidates? If they don't call you back (and I wouldn't write off that possibility), you might chalk that one up to a narrow miss.
ok ok. you guys are obviously not indulging my pity party. i really didn't feel that i was able to show them my best. but i know that there were a lot of other factors at play on their end, too.
as for it being my last shot, well, there are still a few places i haven't heard from... but chances are i'm going to be in for another round of job apps next year. which is not, by any means, the end of the world.
i'll be fine.
I know this isn't about me (isn't it always), but I often feel like you did. Not prepared. Sometimes inadequate. Like I didn't do my best. Yea, I'm not joining the pity party. Just keepg trying.
Hey, don't you have an f'ing PhD? Damn dude. How many Chicanas can say that? How many people in general can say that?
You did not tank. They did. Neighbor Laura is right. They are to evaluate yo, see if you fit, not drag you into their seemingly nasty politics. Some kind of leadership that is. Trust me---I know about that end of it.If they were to hire you, they are to be your mentors and drag junior scholars through academic muck. And, don't count yourself out just yet. . .They may still be lucky and call. And, if not, there will be others.
It seems to me you've got the right attitude - it's only your "last opportunity" until you make more opportunities for yourself.
Failing is a fine art to learn in life and I'd say this hardly counts as a true failure.
I've got this friend, he gets rejected by more women than you could possibly imagine. But he also meets more incredible women than you'd ever imagine because he fearlessly goes after what he wants without nervous expectation. And when he gets denied, he always says it's their loss and moves on. I wish I were more like that.
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