hindsight

last week i met with a prospective graduate student.
she's smart and serious and deciding between our program and a couple of others.
did i mention she's 22?

my meeting with her reminded me of when i was a prospective graduate student. i had been accepted into my top choice program, but i wasn't sold on getting a ph.d. i had a master's degree and thought i could probably get a fine job with that. but after i visited austin, and sat in on a seminar, and met with professors and students, i was sold. i was intellectually hungry. i missed the challenge of academia. so i decided to go.

there were many times when i second guessed my decision, especially during that first--very challenging--year. but i don't regret the path that i chose at all. even though i spent my 20s in school, and even though i didn't have my first "real" job until i was 31, i wouldn't trade the experience. i met some of my best friends in graduate school, and, though it took a while to get here, i love my job.

that prospective student talked for almost an hour and a half. i recognized her anxieties that afternoon, but was really excited for the path she was about to take.

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anxiety

a few nights ago i dreamed that it was my wedding day, and i was running around in a panic. i didn't have shoes. i didn't have my something blue. i had no garter to throw. no jewelry. and no strapless bra.

it was 10AM, and the wedding was going to start at 2PM. my mom told me, "well, i guess we need to go shopping!"

we had four hours to shop for all of my missing stuff.

i woke up before i was ready to walk down the aisle. and i was relieved that it wasn't my wedding day.

the next night i dreamed that i got into a huge fight with one of my bridesmaids (also one of my oldest friends) right before the wedding. we were in the process of reconciling when i woke up that morning.

so. apparently, i'm having a little bit of anxiety about my wedding preparation. i hope that all is resolved over the next 2 1/2 months!

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home (getting there)

outside of my old apartment there were cars that sped east-west and north-south, mostly trying to make the light. it was a constant whir of cars. in my new neighborhood there is nothing but the occasional hum of my refrigerator, the sputtering of my sprinklers for ten minutes each night, and perhaps the distant, low whistle of a train.
these are the sounds of the neighborhood where i am making my home.
it's been just over a month since i moved into the house. and there are things that make it seem like "mine." my red couch, my books, the framed pictures i hang of my family and friends. but the bare walls, the scarce furniture, and (i'll admit it) the still unpacked boxes make me feel like it's not quite home.
but this is only the first month.
in less than three months, i'll be married, and joseph will bring all of the things that make him feel at home (mostly books and pictures, if i had to guess) into the house. we'll inevitably fill it with the myriad items on our wedding registry.
it occurs to me, however, that it will take more than new furniture or appliances to make this house our home. it'll be the time that we spend here--cooking meals, cultivating the garden, mowing the lawn, hosting visits from friends and family. these will be the things that make us feel that we've finally come home.
until then, i'll commit to unpacking a few more boxes.
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