jenn's journeys

running long.

2009-10-09T12:17:00.000-07:00

i dread my saturday morning runs. maybe dread is the wrong word.
i fear my saturday morning runs.

saturdays are my "long run" days. last friday night, i plotted a four mile run for myself on mapmyrun.com. on saturday morning, i found myself pulling on my running gear with trepidation. four miles?

that morning i ran along the residential streets of my neighborhood. on saturday mornings, there is scarcely any traffic. everything is cool and serene, except for the occasional dog that barks when i pass his house. i don't run to music; at this point, i prefer to run to my thoughts. and listen to my breath--uneven for the first mile, and then steadying.

i ran the first three miles with self-assurance, but when i came upon the last mile i became nervous. it was not only an unfamiliar mile (could it do it?), it was also an unfamiliar path (i have to find new paths now that i'm running longer). the street was busier than i would have preferred, but it was fine. when i saw my destination, the street sign that marked the end of my fourth mile, i picked up my pace. when i crossed that street, i felt a sense of elation. four miles!

as i cooled down, walking toward our house, i felt energized and accomplished.

four miles.

that was nearly a week ago. today i am nervous about tomorrow morning's run.

4.5 miles?

fits and starts

2009-09-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

as a crosstraining activity, i've decided to take yoga at my neighborhood gym. at the 8AM class during the week, i'm generally the youngest person in the class. though there are a couple of women who look to be in their 40s and 50s, i would put many of the class in their 60s and 70s.

yoga is no joke. most people think of it as a way to become flexible, and, it does help to do those deep stretches while on a running regime. but what most people don't understand is that yoga is also strength training. the poses you hold require you to hold your own body weight, which is, frankly, not that fun. but you do it, and it works. you emerge stronger and more flexible.

my problem is that i'm a little bit competitive. my instructor constantly tells us not to look around at other people. that "yoga is about you." nevertheless, as a "young" person in the class, i expect that i should be able to hold a pose just as well as any 60 or 70 year old. that's not always the case.

last thursday, i was feeling a little more able than i actually am. and i threw out my back! in yoga class.

it didn't happen right away; i felt something shift in my back when i switched poses, and i knew that something had gone awry. later that day, i started to feel it. by the time joseph came home that afternoon, i was hobbling around the house, wincing and clutching my back.

i took a few days before i was walking upright, but i have learned my lesson. i'm not bound to be a yogi any time soon.

@>-->>---

training days

2009-09-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

i'm training for a 10K.

four years ago, i used to do this. i trained for races. mostly 5Ks, but there was one 10K, and there was the triathlon training.

i used to love it. i loved the confidence born of the strength and endurance my body showed me, especially when training for the triathlon. i remember the first day that i did "brick training." we rode our bikes three miles, ran one mile, rode another three, and ran another one. the sensation of switching from biking to running was nothing less than discombobulating. when i switched from biking to running, my legs were shaking as if i were using them for the first time. but i pushed through, ran the mile, and got on the bike again. at the end of that morning's workout, i remember thinking that my body had never been in such hard motion for that extended period of a time. but in the weeks following that early training session, i saw that my body was capable of even more. swimming, biking, running. training for that triathlon made me feel powerful.

it's been 3 1/2 years since i've trained for anything seriously. and in that time, that strength and endurance has seriously slipped away. i have a million excuses, all of which i will spare you. the truth is that i haven't prioritized my body in all that time.

so now i'm training for a 10K. i haven't even wanted to say those words out loud because, frankly, i'm a little bit afraid. but i'm coming out. i'm going to run a local 10K on november 8th. or die training. ;)

@>-->>---

husband and wife!

2009-07-21T10:02:00.001-07:00

husband and wife!
Originally uploaded by lamusa

this is a shot of us as we we made our entrance into the reception site.

it's probably my favorite picture of us at the wedding. it's unposed, and i think that it really captures the joy that we were both feeling that day.

wedding day

2009-06-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

the morning was grey and quiet and rainy.

i expected that weather. my friends had spent the previous week assuring me that rain on your wedding day was good luck in some cultures. nobody could remember which culture.

i didn't care. i was happy and calm and ready for the day.

there was hair and makeup. a flurry of activity when the limo driver pulled up to our house and i was still not dressed.

my mom helping me with my dress and veil, stepping back to look at me, and beginning to cry.

"no crying," i told her. then, "i love you."

at the church, there was a critical mass of my bridesmaids already assembled, all beautiful. there were bouquets of roses and calla lilies distributed and pictures taken. when joseph and his family arrived at the other side of the church, everyone made sure that i was out of sight.

just before 2PM, we were ushered to the front entrance of the church. i was whisked to a side room with my bridesmaids, my precocious flower girls, and my dad. i wondered why there was no music.

but then the organist began to play canon in D, and, one by one, my bridesmaids made their way up to the altar. finally, i heard the wedding march begin, and my dad took my arm and led me to the end of the aisle.

that wedding march was, in a way, like watching my life flash before my eyes. i saw the aunts, uncles, and cousins that i grew up with; there were my closest friends from high school; friends from my undergraduate days at stanford; and my girlfriends from grad school in texas. all of these people from those various stages of my life, those people i have carried in my memory and in my heart, all there to witness this next stage of my life.

and there was joseph at the end of the aisle.

there were scriptures and prayers, the presentation of the lazo, arras, and the bible. we exchanged vows. we received blessings. and then we were married.

the priest announced that joseph could "kiss the bride." and he did. three times. the priest exclaimed, "or you can kiss her three times!" our first three kisses as husband and wife.

@>-->>---

prescience

2009-06-02T22:48:00.000-07:00

after Mass on sunday morning, joseph and i decided to have breakfast at one of our favorite mexican restaurants. it was bustling with a crowd of people who were mostly ordering menudo. we waited patiently for our non-menudo breakfasts.

that morning, i was in the mood to reminisce. the afternoon before, i had stumbled upon an old journal and found myself re-reading my chronicles of the first few months we were dating. did he remember telling me he wanted to marry me after three months? he recalled our first date, as he often does, at a country club and then at a starbucks in temple, texas. how i told him that i just wanted to be friends. ;)

i tell him, "maybe on friday, after the rehearsal dinner--"

"we can go to starbucks and have some time to ourselves before the wedding," he said.

i looked at him, mouth agape. "how did you know i was going to say that?"

"that's why you're marrying me, isn't it?"

because he reads my thoughts and finish my sentences. honestly, it's the same as it was on that first date. i found it disarming that he could sense what i was thinking beyond what i was actually saying. i think that joseph exercises a form of listening that is beyond listening. most people don't pay that much attention.

and yes, that is one of the reasons i'm marrying him.

@>-->>---

two small boxes

2009-05-29T09:30:00.001-07:00

two small boxes
Originally uploaded by lamusa

i waited all day on tuesday for these two small boxes. according to the tracking number, they were on the delivery truck by 8:30AM, but the fed ex guy did not drive up to my house until 3:30PM.

i opened the outer box and found a medium sized box inside. i opened the medium sized box and found the bag. inside the bag was a velvety black bag and what appeared to be some invoice papers. inside the small black bag were two small black boxes. inside those were two ring boxes. i fumbled through the last layer of box (!) and found the ring boxes to be EMPTY!

though i was a little panicked, i had to laugh at what seemed to be a practical joke that the universe was playing on me.

then, i carefully inspected the invoice papers and found that there was a small white paper bag and inside that bag were two clear plastic jewelry bags. i saw his ring first and then my own.

i tried on my wedding band and was pleased to find that it fit perfectly. and it looked perfect alongside my engagement ring.

i couldn't help but wear it around the house that afternoon, as if i were playing married. joseph insisted that i take it off when we were headed out to run errands later in the afternoon.

the next day, however, i got to the house after joseph and found him wearing his ring, too. :)

@>-->>---

pa' pagar el pan

2009-05-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

this weekend joseph and i had to run a wedding errand in pomona. afterward, we decided to grab a bite to eat at this local mexican restaurant/bakery called el merendero.

as soon as we walked into the restaurant, we were accosted by the sugary smell of freshly-baked pan. needless to say, after lunch we decided to grab some bread to go. we placed a few items on a tray and brought them to the woman at the counter.

"uno ochenta," she told us, after adding the prices for the three pieces we had selected.

"uno ochenta?" i asked to confirm, as i rummaged through my wallet for cash and change. i had one dollar and ... there was a quarter, some dimes... yes. uno ochenta. "a penas!" i told the woman as i handed her the change.

she took my dollar and coins and said, "si no, no más deja el señor aquí que lave los trastres mientras tú vas comer tu pan con un café. luego, cuando termines, regresas por él."

we all had a good laugh at that one (even joseph). leave "my husband" to wash dishes to pay off the pan while i enjoyed some coffee.

now that's what i call solidarity, sister. ;)

@>-->>---

unpopularly feminist

2009-05-04T21:14:00.000-07:00

a few weeks ago at my bridal shower, one of my friends from home asked me if i was going to change my last name. knowing that i was about to give an unpopular answer, i wrinkled my nose and shook my head, "no," almost imperceptibly. it was perceptible enough to garner a reaction from people, especially considering that the two married women also at the table had changed their last names.

what about your kids? whose last name will they have? will you have a different name than they will?

and, on the other side, a different friend pointed out that i have a doctoral degree. i am dr. N. mr. S. did not spend those six and a half years in grad school.

in the end, most of my friends at that table were for the tradition of the woman changing her last name. my family, of course, didn't say much, but i suspect they think that i'm a little nutty.

+++
this weekend, joseph and i sampled cakes for our wedding. it was an overall delicious experience except for one moment. the baker, when inquiring about how we'd like the cake decorated, suggested a monogram with our married initial, "S." joseph looked at me and laughed. i explained that i wasn't changing my last name.

she looked at me suspiciously and didn't immediately abandon the idea!

on the way home, joseph told me that it didn't bother him, but he thought it was funny that i was constantly having to defend myself. i told him that he needed to support me! it's not easy defying gender norms/expectations.

+++
i am keeping my name. my name is an important part of my identity. it represents my family and their unique history, and it represents my culture. in that sense, it represents what i have inherited from my ancestors.

it also represents what i have accomplished in my life thus far. it is all the trophies and awards of my childhood, the byline that accompanied the articles i wrote for my local newspaper when i was in high school, and it was is inscribed on my undergraduate diploma from stanford and my graduate diploma from the university of texas. it is what my students call me, and it was what accompanies and will accompany all of my publications from now until tenure and beyond.

it is me.

i love joseph. i count our upcoming wedding as an incredible blessing. i don't, however, think that love and marriage mean that a woman should have to sacrifice something she considers important to her identity. if a woman chooses to do so, i respect that decision. one of the major goals of the feminist movement, after all, was for women to have choices.

i am not so naive to think that women won't be judged for their choices, whether it be the choice to keep her last name or the choice to return to work after her child is born. in that sense, women's "liberation" doesn't feel so liberating after all. but these are our rights, and we choose to exercise them.

+++
joseph and i met with our DJ shortly before we left bakersfield today. at the end of our meeting he said to us, "the next time i see you, you'll be mr. and mrs. S!"

i sighed. "well, actually..."

@>-->>---

engaged encounter

2009-04-29T12:21:00.001-07:00

joseph and i have been engaged for almost six months now. during those six months, we have been meeting fairly regularly with our parish priest to discuss our impending married life.

more than anything, we've covered logistics. for example, who will pay the bills? separate checking or joint? how do you plan to balance work and parenting? who will assume what household chores? over the past several months, some of our sessions have been pretty intense. nevertheless, we finished the program with our priest a few weeks ago still committed to getting married!

the last requirement for us to complete before receiving the priest's blessing was to participate in an engaged encounter retreat.

joseph and i didn't really know what to expect of the retreat. we'd already covered so much, what more could they possibly throw at us? we were in for a surprise when we attended the retreat this past weekend.

the retreat was much more concerned with our married spiritual life. in the catholic church, marriage is a sacrament, after all. so the leaders of the retreat (two couples at different stages of marriage) talked to us about issues around communication, family, and the sanctity of marriage. After each "lesson" or topic, we separated to reflect and write our thoughts/responses. Each couple would then come together to discuss what they had written. in that way, we couldn't just let the lesson go in one ear and out the other. we were forced to really think about it and discuss it with each other.

in the end, the retreat really got me and joseph to think more about the sanctity of marriage, especially as we consider the difficulties that we will likely face in our life together. i think that both of us came out of the weekend better understanding the spiritual significance of our marriage, which makes it seem much more... serious (for lack of a better word). however, rather than being more nervous now, i feel more ready than i had previously been feeling.

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't scared about the "for as long as [we] both shall live," but i am certain that i've chosen the right man with whom to take this journey.

38 more days!!!

@>-->>---

wedding humor

2009-04-21T15:29:00.001-07:00

i don't think that this is the best picture of me, but i thought this bride and groom was hilarious. my friend, imelda, and i spotted it in this cute store in san diego, and i thought i would share. :)

@>-->>---

showered

2009-04-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

i have been to many bridal showers in my 33 years. i know the silly games, the prizes, the finger foods, the cake, etc. it's all been fun. but this past weekend i was on the other side of all of the festivity. my sister, with the help of my mom and one of my good friends from home, put together a lovely little party for me.

one of the highlights was "failing" a game that asked me to answer various questions about joseph. for example, what is joseph's favorite band? favorite pizza topping? i got those right. the name of his first pet and his biggest pet peeve, i got wrong. all in all, i missed 8 out of 20 questions. for each question i missed, i had to chew a piece of gum. so, as you can imagine, by the end of the game, i had a mouth full of tropical berry flavored gum (not appetizing at all).

i received some very thoughtful gifts, many of which were from our registry. so, there were a lot of kitchen/household items. i was thrilled to have been given a molcajete!!! i joked that i felt like i was being "domesticated." after 33 years, i suppose it was about time. :)

in any event, it was a really nice gathering of family and a few close friends. i appreciated how excited everyone was for me, the bride to be!

@>-->>---

hindsight

2009-03-31T20:49:00.000-07:00

last week i met with a prospective graduate student.
she's smart and serious and deciding between our program and a couple of others.
did i mention she's 22?

my meeting with her reminded me of when i was a prospective graduate student. i had been accepted into my top choice program, but i wasn't sold on getting a ph.d. i had a master's degree and thought i could probably get a fine job with that. but after i visited austin, and sat in on a seminar, and met with professors and students, i was sold. i was intellectually hungry. i missed the challenge of academia. so i decided to go.

there were many times when i second guessed my decision, especially during that first--very challenging--year. but i don't regret the path that i chose at all. even though i spent my 20s in school, and even though i didn't have my first "real" job until i was 31, i wouldn't trade the experience. i met some of my best friends in graduate school, and, though it took a while to get here, i love my job.

that prospective student talked for almost an hour and a half. i recognized her anxieties that afternoon, but was really excited for the path she was about to take.

@>-->>---

anxiety

2009-03-26T23:04:00.000-07:00

a few nights ago i dreamed that it was my wedding day, and i was running around in a panic. i didn't have shoes. i didn't have my something blue. i had no garter to throw. no jewelry. and no strapless bra.

it was 10AM, and the wedding was going to start at 2PM. my mom told me, "well, i guess we need to go shopping!"

we had four hours to shop for all of my missing stuff.

i woke up before i was ready to walk down the aisle. and i was relieved that it wasn't my wedding day.

the next night i dreamed that i got into a huge fight with one of my bridesmaids (also one of my oldest friends) right before the wedding. we were in the process of reconciling when i woke up that morning.

so. apparently, i'm having a little bit of anxiety about my wedding preparation. i hope that all is resolved over the next 2 1/2 months!

@>-->>---

home (getting there)

2009-03-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

outside of my old apartment there were cars that sped east-west and north-south, mostly trying to make the light. it was a constant whir of cars. in my new neighborhood there is nothing but the occasional hum of my refrigerator, the sputtering of my sprinklers for ten minutes each night, and perhaps the distant, low whistle of a train.
these are the sounds of the neighborhood where i am making my home.
it's been just over a month since i moved into the house. and there are things that make it seem like "mine." my red couch, my books, the framed pictures i hang of my family and friends. but the bare walls, the scarce furniture, and (i'll admit it) the still unpacked boxes make me feel like it's not quite home.
but this is only the first month.
in less than three months, i'll be married, and joseph will bring all of the things that make him feel at home (mostly books and pictures, if i had to guess) into the house. we'll inevitably fill it with the myriad items on our wedding registry.
it occurs to me, however, that it will take more than new furniture or appliances to make this house our home. it'll be the time that we spend here--cooking meals, cultivating the garden, mowing the lawn, hosting visits from friends and family. these will be the things that make us feel that we've finally come home.
until then, i'll commit to unpacking a few more boxes.
@>-->>---

almost ours

2009-01-27T21:07:00.000-08:00

about three weeks ago, joseph and i went to the house to meet with the property inspector. we hadn't seen it since august, when we first made the offer. at that time, i was surprised by how much i still loved the place. it hadn't lost its lustre for me.

as we walked around the property, the current owner came outside to show us his garden and told us how we took care of it during the winter. he kept saying things like, "if you guys end up buying this house, then ..."

by that point, we were in escrow, but the idea of buying--of OWNING--a house still seemed very far away and a bit unreal to me.

over the past three weeks, we have reviewed and signed a million papers, contracts, etc. i wired the money--pretty much everything that i had been squirreling away and into my savings account for nearly two years--to escrow. it was an awful feeling. but when i left the bank, the teller congratulated me on my new house.

today joseph and i returned to the house on linwood for a final walk through. the couple who lives there now--a mexican american couple about my parents' age--had already moved out almost all of their belongings. the bare furniture was all that remained. the husband took joseph outside to look at some "manly things" (i preferred not to know), while the wife showed me where she was leaving spare keys, light bulbs, and appliance manuals.

in that moment, i was anxious and afraid about the responsibility of the house. the commitment of it all really terrified me. i worried that we wouldn't be able to keep up the house as beautifully as they had. i was sad that they had to leave such a lovely home.

we signed one last form, and when we left the wife hugged both me and joseph and her husband shook our hands. they wished us luck. in five days it'll all be in our hands.

@>-->>---

home and heart

2009-01-07T13:10:00.000-08:00

joseph and i were in dallas a couple of weeks ago when my real estate agent called to tell me that the offer i had made on a house in riverside had been accepted.

we hadn't been house hunting since the summer. we saw many awful houses that had been foreclosed and several houses on the verge of foreclosure (short sales). these were the house in our price range, but most of them were in bad shape.

except for one. we saw a beautiful house in an established neighborhood in riverside. it was built in the 1940s, very small, but beautifully kept with hard wood floors, built in bookshelves, impeccable landscaping. it was, by leaps and bounds, the best property we had seen.

i made an offer.

four months later, after a lot of back and forth with the bank and the listing agent and a lot of waiting, i found myself in dallas with my future in-laws, receiving the news that the bank accepted my offer. everyone was talking about the engagement and our wedding in california, and now, on top of all of that is the house.

yesterday we met with the property inspector and walked through the house again. it was great because we remembered why we loved the house in the first place. of course now it feels more special knowing that this is likely to be our first house as a married couple.

these are huge life changes. kind of overwhelming, but also very exciting. :)

@>-->>--

signs, blessings, and things to come

2008-11-10T12:53:00.000-08:00

the waiting room was small enough to make us feel familiar. or to realize, at least, that we had to share space until the doctor could tend to our needs.

it was me and joseph; a middle aged man who looked to be asleep in his chair; a woman with a brief case on wheels and a computer in her lap.

i held joseph's hand, knowing that he was anxious about the visit.

suddenly, the man across from us was roused from his half-asleep state. "is that your girlfriend?" he asked joseph.

yes.

"i could tell. i could tell there's a lot of love between you." then the man points to the ring finger on his left hand and looks questioningly at joseph. "why doesn't she have a ring on her finger?"

i laughed. joseph reddened as he explained, "we've been talking about it lately."

"your name's joseph, right?" the man had apparently been paying attention when the secretary called joseph to her window for some documents.

"yes, sir."

"joseph," he restated. "that's a biblical name. proverbs says that God will show favor to a man who takes a wife. you want the favor of God, don't you joseph?"

"yes, sir." (who doesn't want the favor of God, by the way?)

after sharing that he was recently married and grateful for the blessing, the man apparently fell back asleep.

joseph and i later joked about the incident. joseph mused, do you think God's trying to tell me something?

+++

two weeks after the waiting room incident, on november 4th, i celebrated my 33rd birthday, a shiny new obama presidency, and my engagement to joseph. whether or not joseph was heeding a sign, i don't know. but i do count my blessings have great hope for the years to come.

@>-->>---

the search continues

2008-09-07T22:54:00.000-07:00

i found out on friday that my offer was second best. the bank chose another offer and is keeping mine as a backup.

i'd be lying if i said that i wasn't disappointed. i'd already imagined the kind of furniture i'd need to fill the house's nooks and crannies. i'd worried about where i'd set up my office. and yes, i'd imagined enjoying a cup of coffee overlooking the lovely backyard. but it seems as if this is not my house.

in any event, making the offer has been, as they say, a learning experience.

so now it's back to traversing the town, looking for a place to hang my hat (if i were to ever wear one). i know that my house is out there, just waiting for me to find it.

@>-->>---

on houses and love, washers and dryers

2008-08-25T15:20:00.001-07:00

i have always said that i will know that i've grown up when i own a washer and dryer.

now that i have finished college and grad school (after more years than i would care to count!), i have a career! also known as an income! the next step--naturally--is to buy a washer/dryer. more accurately, for the past few weeks i've been looking for a house in which to put a washer and dryer.

the housing market crash has supposedly cultivated a strong buyer's market, but i'm not so sure. perhaps it is because my budget is so limited, but i have to say that i have seen some very sad, sad houses all over town.

until this weekend. my real estate agent showed me a beautiful 1940s bungalow. it was well cared for and refurbished where it needed to be without losing the character of the place. it was small, but i was really impressed with the inside of the house. when i went to the backyard, however, i was positively choked up. i never thought myself to be a backyard lover, but this backyard could have turned the coldest of hearts with its impeccable landscaping and well-tended flowers.

it was love at first sight.

that was saturday afternoon. i didn't realize that, following love, there would be stress! loan-pre-approval-writing-an-offer-competing-with-other-potential-buyers-realizing-how-expensive-buying-a-house-really-is STRESS. over the past couple of days i have met (and signed) a mountain of forms (God help me if i've accidentally signed away my first born child!). i got my pre-approval this afternoon, and my offer will be "official" soon thereafter.

unfortunately, this is the first step in what is apparently a long process. who knows if mine will be the best offer? then it will be back to the sad houses. sadder yet because there is still no place for the washer and dryer.

someday!

@>-->>---

not the destination

2008-08-20T15:03:00.000-07:00

i hit my favorite bakersfield coffeeshop this afternoon. i caught up with one of the baristas i know. it turns out that we graduated from the same high school in the same year, but we never knew each other until i started coming here several years ago. now we see each other two or three times a year and we always chat pleasantly, give each other updates about what has happened over the past four to six months.

it's funny to catch up with someone that way. it's like skipping to the end of the story. she doesn't ever have to deal with the gritty little details of my life's story. she just knows the end end of the story. for example, she asks how my second year as a professor went. i think of how i had to submit my case for a promotion in the fall, applying for postdocs, our department's dramatic search for a new faculty member, the nasty written and verbal exchanges by my colleagues, receiving all of my postdoc rejections, my great experiences with students, how i'm working to conceptualize (and research!) my book.

so i say, "it was a lot harder than my first year." i give her a couple of funny anecdotes and tell her what i'm currently working on, what i'm looking forward to over the next few months.

sometimes i wish that i could likewise cut to the end of the latest episode of my life's story. will i get a postdoc this year? how much of my book will i really write over the next nine months?

but, in real life, i never even skip ahead when i read stories or novels (though sometimes i look to see how many pages are left in a chapter). ultimately, i believe that the end of the story does not matter so much as the journey.

@>-->>---

on being a faux historian

2008-07-14T18:49:00.000-07:00

i'm an anthropologist by training. one of the things that i love about anthropology is its methodology--participant observation, interviews, writing and coding field notes. ever since i was an undergraduate, doing mini-ethnographies, i have immensely enjoyed my time "in the field."

unfortunately (?), my topic of interest pulls me away from my training. for the past several years, i've been looking at mexican segregation, which has necessitated more historical research than anything else. i have only the vaguest sense that i am doing things "right," but i think that the story is important, so i'm pushing forward.

these past couple of weeks i've found myself muddling through property records--some digitized, others on pages that seem like they will crumble in your hands. i'm looking at old maps--platt maps, townsite maps--trying to create a picture of what a racially segregated community (with some exceptions) looked like. i'm recording the names of people who, according to the rules of segregation--should not have lived on a particular side of the tracks (but they did!).

i wonder who these mexican people were. were they old land grant families? were they wealthy? racially white? and what was life like for them on the south side of the tracks? did they speak spanish at home and english with their neighbors? how did they relate to the mexicans on the other side of the tracks? what about culture?

it's an incredible challenge to piece together an historical portrait of a community, especially when you feel like you don't have all the pieces! some of them come from property records. i had a breakthrough the other day with an affidavit. when the city planner explained blocks and lots on the map, i could interpret the records better and even imagine who might have been neighbors.

i'm scheduling oral history interviews this week with the hope that they will help me to tell the story. in the meantime, i'll be looking at court cases and city commission meeting minutes to try to find more pieces to the puzzle.

wish me luck!

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retorno

2008-07-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

south texas is mostly as i remember.

this summer the skies are grey and the air thick with humidity. the palm trees bend with the wind, their fronds like sea anemones. i wonder when it will rain. i'm waiting for a good texas rain, with thunder and lightning and sheets of water that pour like buckets.

i remember the language. brown teenagers speaking english, older mexicanos speaking spanish. those in between, speaking both. "oh jennifer, i wish you could meet him. lo quiero mucho."

there are more amenities than when i left five years ago. i used to have to drive half an hour to mcallen to find starbucks coffee. now, there are a few around harlingen (though not all of them have wi-fi!) there is more shopping now, more restaurants.

still, in la feria last night, i joined some people for drinks at the american legion hall. apparently, the bar/restaurant developers haven't spread into the small towns quite yet. but it was a nice time, reconnecting with my old friends in a smoke-filled hall. it was the bartender's birthday last night, and she had cooked a feast for the patrons--barbecued pork and chicken, mexican rice, potato salad, and birthday cake. the bar sang happy birthday to her.

i confess that it feels a little bit sad to be a visitor in a place where i used to live, especially considering that i really loved my life here.

but i've lived in three cities since then, one that i enjoyed, another that i loved, and one that i'm still adjusting to. and i guess that is the path that i chose as an academic. it feels like a nomadic path. maybe even migrant. and so i store up memories of the places that i've lived, feeling the fullness of my heart when i let myself remember.

graduation day, june 1997

2008-06-17T13:35:00.001-07:00

this past weekend was our university graduation. for me, the weekend came with a heavy dose of nostalgia.

i have this picture in a frame in my apartment, but i never really look at it. well, sometime this weekend, it caught my eye.

it doesn't seem like it was that long ago. i look at this girl (me) and i think about all the things that she does not know are coming.

ultimately, i think it's good to have that mystery in front of us. to not know what is next. it's the unknown in our futures that forces us to have faith in ourselves. we might be heading toward some huge mistakes, but we're also heading toward some great life experiences.

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two years

2008-05-01T21:11:00.001-07:00

two years
Originally uploaded by lamusa

we dressed up on saturday night--he in a button-down shirt, me in a summer dress. we splurged on a meal at an upscale italian restaurant in town, and we ended the evening listening to live jazz over drinks at the mission inn.

i thought that would be the extent of the anniversary festivities, but was pleasantly surprised when he appeared on monday with a bouquet of red roses (my favorite) and pink spring flowers.

after two years, the milestones are nice.

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