laughter

after you have a baby, you look forward to their milestones. and people ask you about them. for a while now people have been asking if she laughs yet. after the first few months of a mostly crying baby, i was really looking forward to some laughter!

the first little laugh came just after memorial day weekend, when she was about 3 1/2 months old. we had just come back from a trip to dallas and were unwinding. joseph and i were lying down on either side of eliana, cooing and making faces at her when she laughed! we looked at each other, surprised, and he asked me, "was that...?" finally!

i thought that the floodgates were now open and that she'd be laughing then all the time. but that didn't happen.

over the past few weeks, she has been laughing more. mostly she responds to us tickling to her tummy with kisses. i don't know if all parents hear their children's laughter the same way, but to me, when eliana laughs it sounds like pretty little bells ringing. it makes my heart feel full.

the last few days of june, about a month after we first heard her laugh, eliana and i were at the grocery store together. i had her strapped to my body in a baby carrier as we perused the aisles. i was checking out some different bread, comparing labels, when all of a sudden i heard her laugh. surprised, i looked at her and saw that she was looking at some kids in the same aisle. these kids were trailing their mom, but had stopped and were wrestling over something. apparently, eliana thought that was funny!

i can't tell you how happy it made me to hear her spontaneous laughter, not just because it represents a milestone in her development, but because it gives me a little insight into her personality. she's going to laugh, that is, she's going to have a sense of humor. that moment was just the beginning. like looking through the peephole to a room filled with light. it makes me cherish the "firsts" and look forward to everything else to come.

@>-->>--

pocha mama moment

yesterday the baby and i met with a potential nanny. V, a young immigrant woman from guatemala, was highly recommended to us by my friend.

V seemed to be a very sweet-tempered person, patient and good with the baby. her primary language is spanish, which i appreciate because i would really like for our baby to learn spanish. while joseph and i both speak it, we communicate almost entirely in english.

during our meeting, V and i communicated exclusively in spanish. we talked about things like where to find diapers and wipes, how often and for how long the baby naps, how much she eats, and what her favorite toys are. there were definitely some gaps in my spanish baby vocabulary. "cómo se dice wipes?"

i let V take the afternoon feeding, and after the baby had finished, she asked me, "le sacas el aire a la niña después de comer?"

i thought it a random question. why would the baby need to go outside after eating? but i said, "no, pero si quieres, podemos ir a la yarda de atrás."

as i start to usher her to the backyard, she stops me and says, "no creo que me entendió." she asks me again, "le sacas el aire a la niña después de comer?" and she began to pat the baby on the back.

i laughed. to burp. not at all what i had understood! but i guess it's another verb to add to my pocha spanish vocabulary.

@>-->>---

mother's day

this year i experienced my first mother's day as a mother.

one month ago, i was two and a half months into motherhood and not at all feeling like i was doing that great of a job. at that time, crying was still my baby's primary form of communication, which frankly left me feeling a bit frazzled all the time. i generally imagined mothers to be much more in tuned with their children and, you know, able to address their basic needs. in other words, i was feeling a bit like a fraud.

then, at the end of the actual day, i had this surreal moment.

joseph and i went to mass that evening. at the end of the liturgy, the priest asked all of the mothers in the church to stand for a blessing. joseph nudged me to stand, and i did, looking around at all the other mothers--old, young, and in-between, of various ethnicities, many with their children by their sides. i had my baby swaddled close to my body in a carrier, and, as a i stood, i felt very consciously ... like a mother.

the priest prayed for us, and then some of the students of the congregation handed us each carnations.

this was something that i had witnessed at mass on mother's day every year all of my life at the different churches that i've attended--the mothers' blessing, the carnations. and as i stood, my mind raced as i silently exclaimed, "i'm getting a carnation!"

being a mother is obviously much more than a carnation on mother's day. i'm still learning (my baby is a good teacher!). but, in the meantime, i will take all the blessings i can get.

@>-->>---

two years

two years ago today, joseph and i got married.
i spent much of the day today at home with the baby. i take care of the basics like feeding her, changing dirty diapers, and soothing her. but we also play with various toys, i read to her, and try to make her smile. (my daughter is more generous with her smiles lately).
though those things don't seem like much, by the time joseph got home, i had barely managed to put on any makeup, and i had baby spit up stains on various parts of my outfit. in other words, it was a far cry from how nice i looked on our wedding day.
nevertheless, he came bearing roses and was glad, as he always seems to be, to see me and the baby.
these days, our life together is not as romantic as it was on our wedding day, but it is marked by moments of happiness and wonder as we nurture our little family.

@>-->>---

anniversary

this is how happy he still makes me after two years of marriage.

extreme makeover

after a long hiatus, i've been thinking lately that it might be time to start writing again. when i was last writing regularly, i was single and in graduate school. years later, i'm now employed (thankfully!), married, and have recently had my first child. in other words, my life has gone though an extreme makeover. just when i was getting the hang of being a graduate student, i became a professor. as i was becoming accustomed to being single, i met and married my husband. as we were settling into our lives together, we became parents!

this blog is still about my "journeys," but it also bears in mind the love in my life that initiated all of this change (first comes love, then comes marriage, etc.). actually, when i really think about it, it was love that started me on my journey in academia--love of learning, teaching, and community. now i guess i'm being pushed to love in different and deeper ways.

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merry christmas

the season

when i was an undergraduate (a million years ago), i remember the frenzy that accompanied the end of each fall quarter. dead week, final exams, final papers. then catching a ride from the bay back home to the central valley with a friend. and i would be stunned to find that christmas had already arrived there. the neighborhood houses donned twinkling lights. at mass, they would be lighting the final candle on the advent wreath. and i would always feel a pang of sadness that i had missed most of the season.

as a young girl, i attended a catholic elementary school. christmas was never lost on me then. there were the hand made ornaments we completed in art class. there were the christmas carols we would sing at mass in the weeks before christmas, sometimes caroling at a retirement home or in a neighborhood. the christmas pageants when i would dress as an angel or a shepherd (as i got older) for midnight mass. and, of course, the gifts and family gatherings on christmas day. :)

the newness of this christmas, my first as a married woman, is exciting. joseph and i bought a tree last week, something i had never done before! i almost had an anxiety attack when i saw all of the ornamental possibilities for a tree, but i was able to buy a couple of boxes of basic ornaments. we have a beautiful (if simple) christmas tree in the living room of our home and stockings with out names on them. we're celebrating advent in a church that we love, and now christmas is almost upon us.

i'm 34 years old this year, and i still vividly remember christmases from when i was a child and young(er) adult. it already feels like a lifetime of memories, and yet i know that joseph and i still have a lifetime ahead of us. the thought is sometimes overwhelming. how does a person hold all of these moments in her memory, in her heart? i suppose that, too, is a miracle of the season.

@>-->>--

race day

i made the mistake of watching the finish line for the 5K. they had started at 7:30AM; my 10K was to start an hour later. there was a stream of runners, one after another, who were finishing their race averaging a 5 minute mile! i was already doubting my ability to *finish* a 10K; now i was fearing that i'd also be among the last to finish. the obvious running amateur.

around 8:15AM, i made my way to the starting line, began to stretch, and tried to clear my mind a bit. there were hundreds of people lined up, many in groups. there was a lot friendly cajoling among the runners, all confident, all fun. no apparent nerves like mine.

once the race began, runner after runner passed me as we all began to establish our respective paces. a group of fire fighters were running in a block, each with his last name emblazoned on the back of his helmet, chanting what sounded like a funny running jingle. when i passed the one mile mark, i was surprised to have run it much more quickly than i had anticipated. (subsequent miles would be slower!)

the second mile was around a small lake in a local park. i saw ducks placidly swimming, swans stretching out their wings. by the end of the second mile, i was greeted with a small cup of water. the third mile began up a hill. i thought i could probably walk the hill faster than i was "running," but i kept on running.

miles four and five were a familiar blur, but in the sixth, i felt my excitement grow. this was my last mile, and at that point i knew that i could make it. toward the end of that last mile, i saw my mom aiming at me with her camera phone, and, closer to the finish line, joseph, and my dad furiously snapping pictures.

i ran through the finish line feeling exhilarated and a little bit proud of myself.

@>-->>---

running long.

i dread my saturday morning runs. maybe dread is the wrong word.
i fear my saturday morning runs.

saturdays are my "long run" days. last friday night, i plotted a four mile run for myself on mapmyrun.com. on saturday morning, i found myself pulling on my running gear with trepidation. four miles?

that morning i ran along the residential streets of my neighborhood. on saturday mornings, there is scarcely any traffic. everything is cool and serene, except for the occasional dog that barks when i pass his house. i don't run to music; at this point, i prefer to run to my thoughts. and listen to my breath--uneven for the first mile, and then steadying.

i ran the first three miles with self-assurance, but when i came upon the last mile i became nervous. it was not only an unfamiliar mile (could it do it?), it was also an unfamiliar path (i have to find new paths now that i'm running longer). the street was busier than i would have preferred, but it was fine. when i saw my destination, the street sign that marked the end of my fourth mile, i picked up my pace. when i crossed that street, i felt a sense of elation. four miles!

as i cooled down, walking toward our house, i felt energized and accomplished.

four miles.

that was nearly a week ago. today i am nervous about tomorrow morning's run.

4.5 miles?

fits and starts

as a crosstraining activity, i've decided to take yoga at my neighborhood gym. at the 8AM class during the week, i'm generally the youngest person in the class. though there are a couple of women who look to be in their 40s and 50s, i would put many of the class in their 60s and 70s.

yoga is no joke. most people think of it as a way to become flexible, and, it does help to do those deep stretches while on a running regime. but what most people don't understand is that yoga is also strength training. the poses you hold require you to hold your own body weight, which is, frankly, not that fun. but you do it, and it works. you emerge stronger and more flexible.

my problem is that i'm a little bit competitive. my instructor constantly tells us not to look around at other people. that "yoga is about you." nevertheless, as a "young" person in the class, i expect that i should be able to hold a pose just as well as any 60 or 70 year old. that's not always the case.

last thursday, i was feeling a little more able than i actually am. and i threw out my back! in yoga class.

it didn't happen right away; i felt something shift in my back when i switched poses, and i knew that something had gone awry. later that day, i started to feel it. by the time joseph came home that afternoon, i was hobbling around the house, wincing and clutching my back.

i took a few days before i was walking upright, but i have learned my lesson. i'm not bound to be a yogi any time soon.

@>-->>---

training days

i'm training for a 10K.

four years ago, i used to do this. i trained for races. mostly 5Ks, but there was one 10K, and there was the triathlon training.

i used to love it. i loved the confidence born of the strength and endurance my body showed me, especially when training for the triathlon. i remember the first day that i did "brick training." we rode our bikes three miles, ran one mile, rode another three, and ran another one. the sensation of switching from biking to running was nothing less than discombobulating. when i switched from biking to running, my legs were shaking as if i were using them for the first time. but i pushed through, ran the mile, and got on the bike again. at the end of that morning's workout, i remember thinking that my body had never been in such hard motion for that extended period of a time. but in the weeks following that early training session, i saw that my body was capable of even more. swimming, biking, running. training for that triathlon made me feel powerful.

it's been 3 1/2 years since i've trained for anything seriously. and in that time, that strength and endurance has seriously slipped away. i have a million excuses, all of which i will spare you. the truth is that i haven't prioritized my body in all that time.

so now i'm training for a 10K. i haven't even wanted to say those words out loud because, frankly, i'm a little bit afraid. but i'm coming out. i'm going to run a local 10K on november 8th. or die training. ;)

@>-->>---

husband and wife!

husband and wife!
Originally uploaded by lamusa

this is a shot of us as we we made our entrance into the reception site.

it's probably my favorite picture of us at the wedding. it's unposed, and i think that it really captures the joy that we were both feeling that day.

wedding day

the morning was grey and quiet and rainy.

i expected that weather. my friends had spent the previous week assuring me that rain on your wedding day was good luck in some cultures. nobody could remember which culture.

i didn't care. i was happy and calm and ready for the day.

there was hair and makeup. a flurry of activity when the limo driver pulled up to our house and i was still not dressed.

my mom helping me with my dress and veil, stepping back to look at me, and beginning to cry.

"no crying," i told her. then, "i love you."

at the church, there was a critical mass of my bridesmaids already assembled, all beautiful. there were bouquets of roses and calla lilies distributed and pictures taken. when joseph and his family arrived at the other side of the church, everyone made sure that i was out of sight.

just before 2PM, we were ushered to the front entrance of the church. i was whisked to a side room with my bridesmaids, my precocious flower girls, and my dad. i wondered why there was no music.

but then the organist began to play canon in D, and, one by one, my bridesmaids made their way up to the altar. finally, i heard the wedding march begin, and my dad took my arm and led me to the end of the aisle.

that wedding march was, in a way, like watching my life flash before my eyes. i saw the aunts, uncles, and cousins that i grew up with; there were my closest friends from high school; friends from my undergraduate days at stanford; and my girlfriends from grad school in texas. all of these people from those various stages of my life, those people i have carried in my memory and in my heart, all there to witness this next stage of my life.

and there was joseph at the end of the aisle.

there were scriptures and prayers, the presentation of the lazo, arras, and the bible. we exchanged vows. we received blessings. and then we were married.

the priest announced that joseph could "kiss the bride." and he did. three times. the priest exclaimed, "or you can kiss her three times!" our first three kisses as husband and wife.

@>-->>---

prescience

after Mass on sunday morning, joseph and i decided to have breakfast at one of our favorite mexican restaurants. it was bustling with a crowd of people who were mostly ordering menudo. we waited patiently for our non-menudo breakfasts.

that morning, i was in the mood to reminisce. the afternoon before, i had stumbled upon an old journal and found myself re-reading my chronicles of the first few months we were dating. did he remember telling me he wanted to marry me after three months? he recalled our first date, as he often does, at a country club and then at a starbucks in temple, texas. how i told him that i just wanted to be friends. ;)

i tell him, "maybe on friday, after the rehearsal dinner--"

"we can go to starbucks and have some time to ourselves before the wedding," he said.

i looked at him, mouth agape. "how did you know i was going to say that?"

"that's why you're marrying me, isn't it?"

because he reads my thoughts and finish my sentences. honestly, it's the same as it was on that first date. i found it disarming that he could sense what i was thinking beyond what i was actually saying. i think that joseph exercises a form of listening that is beyond listening. most people don't pay that much attention.

and yes, that is one of the reasons i'm marrying him.

@>-->>---

two small boxes

two small boxes
Originally uploaded by lamusa

i waited all day on tuesday for these two small boxes. according to the tracking number, they were on the delivery truck by 8:30AM, but the fed ex guy did not drive up to my house until 3:30PM.

i opened the outer box and found a medium sized box inside. i opened the medium sized box and found the bag. inside the bag was a velvety black bag and what appeared to be some invoice papers. inside the small black bag were two small black boxes. inside those were two ring boxes. i fumbled through the last layer of box (!) and found the ring boxes to be EMPTY!

though i was a little panicked, i had to laugh at what seemed to be a practical joke that the universe was playing on me.

then, i carefully inspected the invoice papers and found that there was a small white paper bag and inside that bag were two clear plastic jewelry bags. i saw his ring first and then my own.

i tried on my wedding band and was pleased to find that it fit perfectly. and it looked perfect alongside my engagement ring.

i couldn't help but wear it around the house that afternoon, as if i were playing married. joseph insisted that i take it off when we were headed out to run errands later in the afternoon.

the next day, however, i got to the house after joseph and found him wearing his ring, too. :)

@>-->>---

pa' pagar el pan

this weekend joseph and i had to run a wedding errand in pomona. afterward, we decided to grab a bite to eat at this local mexican restaurant/bakery called el merendero.

as soon as we walked into the restaurant, we were accosted by the sugary smell of freshly-baked pan. needless to say, after lunch we decided to grab some bread to go. we placed a few items on a tray and brought them to the woman at the counter.

"uno ochenta," she told us, after adding the prices for the three pieces we had selected.

"uno ochenta?" i asked to confirm, as i rummaged through my wallet for cash and change. i had one dollar and ... there was a quarter, some dimes... yes. uno ochenta. "a penas!" i told the woman as i handed her the change.

she took my dollar and coins and said, "si no, no más deja el señor aquí que lave los trastres mientras tú vas comer tu pan con un café. luego, cuando termines, regresas por él."

we all had a good laugh at that one (even joseph). leave "my husband" to wash dishes to pay off the pan while i enjoyed some coffee.

now that's what i call solidarity, sister. ;)

@>-->>---

unpopularly feminist

a few weeks ago at my bridal shower, one of my friends from home asked me if i was going to change my last name. knowing that i was about to give an unpopular answer, i wrinkled my nose and shook my head, "no," almost imperceptibly. it was perceptible enough to garner a reaction from people, especially considering that the two married women also at the table had changed their last names.

what about your kids? whose last name will they have? will you have a different name than they will?

and, on the other side, a different friend pointed out that i have a doctoral degree. i am dr. N. mr. S. did not spend those six and a half years in grad school.

in the end, most of my friends at that table were for the tradition of the woman changing her last name. my family, of course, didn't say much, but i suspect they think that i'm a little nutty.

+++
this weekend, joseph and i sampled cakes for our wedding. it was an overall delicious experience except for one moment. the baker, when inquiring about how we'd like the cake decorated, suggested a monogram with our married initial, "S." joseph looked at me and laughed. i explained that i wasn't changing my last name.

she looked at me suspiciously and didn't immediately abandon the idea!

on the way home, joseph told me that it didn't bother him, but he thought it was funny that i was constantly having to defend myself. i told him that he needed to support me! it's not easy defying gender norms/expectations.

+++
i am keeping my name. my name is an important part of my identity. it represents my family and their unique history, and it represents my culture. in that sense, it represents what i have inherited from my ancestors.

it also represents what i have accomplished in my life thus far. it is all the trophies and awards of my childhood, the byline that accompanied the articles i wrote for my local newspaper when i was in high school, and it was is inscribed on my undergraduate diploma from stanford and my graduate diploma from the university of texas. it is what my students call me, and it was what accompanies and will accompany all of my publications from now until tenure and beyond.

it is me.

i love joseph. i count our upcoming wedding as an incredible blessing. i don't, however, think that love and marriage mean that a woman should have to sacrifice something she considers important to her identity. if a woman chooses to do so, i respect that decision. one of the major goals of the feminist movement, after all, was for women to have choices.

i am not so naive to think that women won't be judged for their choices, whether it be the choice to keep her last name or the choice to return to work after her child is born. in that sense, women's "liberation" doesn't feel so liberating after all. but these are our rights, and we choose to exercise them.

+++
joseph and i met with our DJ shortly before we left bakersfield today. at the end of our meeting he said to us, "the next time i see you, you'll be mr. and mrs. S!"

i sighed. "well, actually..."

@>-->>---

engaged encounter

joseph and i have been engaged for almost six months now. during those six months, we have been meeting fairly regularly with our parish priest to discuss our impending married life.

more than anything, we've covered logistics. for example, who will pay the bills? separate checking or joint? how do you plan to balance work and parenting? who will assume what household chores? over the past several months, some of our sessions have been pretty intense. nevertheless, we finished the program with our priest a few weeks ago still committed to getting married!

the last requirement for us to complete before receiving the priest's blessing was to participate in an engaged encounter retreat.

joseph and i didn't really know what to expect of the retreat. we'd already covered so much, what more could they possibly throw at us? we were in for a surprise when we attended the retreat this past weekend.

the retreat was much more concerned with our married spiritual life. in the catholic church, marriage is a sacrament, after all. so the leaders of the retreat (two couples at different stages of marriage) talked to us about issues around communication, family, and the sanctity of marriage. After each "lesson" or topic, we separated to reflect and write our thoughts/responses. Each couple would then come together to discuss what they had written. in that way, we couldn't just let the lesson go in one ear and out the other. we were forced to really think about it and discuss it with each other.

in the end, the retreat really got me and joseph to think more about the sanctity of marriage, especially as we consider the difficulties that we will likely face in our life together. i think that both of us came out of the weekend better understanding the spiritual significance of our marriage, which makes it seem much more... serious (for lack of a better word). however, rather than being more nervous now, i feel more ready than i had previously been feeling.

i'd be lying if i said i wasn't scared about the "for as long as [we] both shall live," but i am certain that i've chosen the right man with whom to take this journey.

38 more days!!!

@>-->>---

wedding humor

i don't think that this is the best picture of me, but i thought this bride and groom was hilarious. my friend, imelda, and i spotted it in this cute store in san diego, and i thought i would share. :)

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